Enough
by Izzles
Summary: JohnElizabeth JohnOFC // "She thought she would feel something – sorrow, anger, resentment. But her heart is an empty void."


**disclaimer: i don't own anything stargate or atlantis related. i suppose i own Amy. **

**AN: have a happy/fluffy ShepWeir fic to read after this. no character death though. rated T for suggested adult themes. sections in **_italics_** are memories.**

**summary: ****She thought she would feel something – sorrow, anger, resentment. But her heart is an empty void.**

* * *

They watch her with a careful eye, not sure how she will react. She can feel their stares, and knows they do it because they care. She really couldn't ask for better friends than Rodney and Carson, but right now she just wants them to leave her alone. Putting on her diplomatic face, even attempting a smile, she goes to greet the happy couple. 

"Congratulations Amy, Colonel."

She still can't even say his name, she hasn't been able to for months. He is just another member of the expedition now, not the man who stole her heart. She thought she would feel something – sorrow, anger, resentment. But her heart is an empty void.

The numbness from hurting for so long has taken over, and there is nothing. No betrayal as her military commander kisses the woman standing beside him, much to the delight of their crowd. No sorrow as he helps her show off the sparkling ring on her left hand. No heartache as they talk and laugh of wedding plans, children and of growing old together.

She walks away to stand with Rodney and Radek, not wanting to join in the celebration, or have to deal with Carson's inquisitive concerns. As she pretends to listen to the two physicists talk, she can't help but think about when she had been making plans of their future with him.

* * *

_"You know, half of your clothes are living in my closet now," Elizabeth smiled, running a hand through John's hair as he lay with his head in her lap._

"_That explains why I can never find anything when I'm in my quarters. He smirked. "Whenever I _am_ actually there."_

"_Yes I do like how you've just subtly moved in."_

"_Actually…I kinda wanted to talk to you about that…"_

_Elizabeth watched his face curiously as he thought out what he wanted to say._

_He sat up next to her on the bed, gazing into her eyes, and then concentrating on his hands._

"_Well, I think you've probably realized that for all attents and purposes, I do kinda live here too. So I was thinking…that whilst we still have mine and I'll keep stuff there to avoid suspicion, but…If we kind of made it official – to ourselves only of course – that we were living together."_

"_Are you asking to move in John Sheppard?" she smirked._

_He looked up, wary of her reaction, but was pleased to find she was grinning._

"_Well then, I give you permission to move into my quarters John Sheppard."_

"_You'd have a hard time stopping me even if you didn't agree," he smirked, placing a delicate kiss on her lips, relieved to get that conversation over. _

"_Now since I have been training with the newbies all day I am going for a shower. In _my_ new shower," he smiled._

_Elizabeth laughed as he forced her to stand with him on the floor. Pulling her into a deep kiss, he started to direct her towards the on-suite._

"_Fancy joining me?"_

_She could only nod as he walked her backwards into the room and locked the door.

* * *

_

"Hey," the man himself interrupted her from her daydream.

"Hey."

"Can I talk to you?" he asked uneasily.

"Of course," Elizabeth answered surprised.

"I mean alone."

"Oh. Right, okay."

She followed him away from the commissary, puzzled as to what he was going to speak of, and out onto the balcony. The balcony once christened 'theirs'.

Seven months it had been since they had both stood here, seven months since their last argument and their last proper conversation, seven months since they had last kissed.

John moved to stand up at the rail, gazing out into the dark scene, Elizabeth joining him, but remaining at a distance.

"I love her Elizabeth, I really do. And when she suggested marriage – I can imagine living the rest of my life with her."

She continued to look away from him and out to the deep black sky, wishing he wouldn't talk about **that** subject. A series of memories from all their times out here flooded her mind, resurfacing old emotions.

* * *

"_I thought you really wouldn't come back this time," Elizabeth whispered into his chest._

_He wrapped his arms tighter around her body and kissed her head._

"_I promise I will never give up trying to come back to you."_

_She looked up into his hazel eyes, feeling reassured by his promise, then snuggled herself back into his embrace._

"_I love you John."_

_He paused a moment, "You do?"_

"_Uh huh," she nodded._

_He smiled and brushed a stray curl behind her ear. "Good, because I am in love with you Elizabeth Weir."_

* * *

"But we have unresolved issues. And I need to sort them out before I can marry Amy." 

"Don't you think it was a bit unfair to propose seeing you had these 'unresolved issues'?"

"I thought everything that happened between us had been sorted – that we would never have to talk about it again."

Getting frustrated at her silence, John added, "You can't just ignore everything Elizabeth! I need to talk about this, just once, and then we can lock every memory, every feeling away in a box to forget about!"

Realizing she had to say something, she whispered, "We've not been out here since…" Bringing her eyes to meet his, she knew he was thinking the same.

* * *

_Elizabeth stood watching the gentle waves of the ocean, their rhythmic pounding against the city somehow calming her. But as soon as she managed to forget - she remembered, what he had done, and the fury came rushing back._

_She didn't turn as the door slid open and he stepped out and walking up behind her._

_"Elizabeth…" he placed a hand on her arm. Wriggling away from his touch, she continued not to face him._

_"I'm not sorry about what I did. But I am sorry for disobeying your orders."_

_"I really shouldn't be surprised by now should I John?"_

_"We got them back!"_

_"Yes, but you didn't follow orders again! Your rescue mission broke off the negotiations completely and so now we have another valuable ally as an enemy!"_

_"But it meant we didn't have to give them anything."_

_"That's not the point!"

* * *

_

John moved closer, resting his hand over hers, "I know. It doesn't seem it."

Elizabeth looked at him, taking in his smell and the details of his face she remembered so well. He really hadn't changed, a few extra scars maybe, but he was still the man she knew. The man she had fallen hard for.

_

* * *

"Why can't you understand?" _

_"Maybe because I have no understanding about anything military, and I hate to admit when I am wrong, because I think I know better. That's what you said isn't it?"_

_He winced as she repeated his words, wishing he could take them back, so they wouldn't hurt her._

_"Just because we're sleeping together doesn't give you the right to be insubordinate John, especially not in the middle of the gate room!"_

_"I admit I went too far."_

_Elizabeth wiped away the tears beginning to gather, as they stood in silence, both thinking over the same moment in time._

_They were both quiet for a moment before Elizabeth broke it tension._

_"Is that really what you think of me?" she whispered, frightened of the answer._

_"NO, of course not, you know it's not."_

_"I don't…I don't think this is working John. We thought we could keep our private lives separate from our work, but we haven't."_

_"We have – even if we weren't involved Elizabeth this would be how we would have acted."_

_"Really? - I don't know. I can't risk my command to be questioned – not by the IOA, by Caldwell, you or myself. They're looking for any excuse to accuse me John. I'm sorry. I just don't know if this is right anymore."_

_John felt his heart sink. He knew she had worried about the consequences their relationship might have, but it still came as a shock that she might want to end it._

_He looked into her vibrant green eyes, glazed over with tears. Her face still showed her anger – but her eyes, they showed her pain. Cupping her face, he pulled her towards him, kissing her hungrily._

_"Let me know when you do."_

A week later she was being cordial, and was trying to accept they were over. Another week later he met the new nurse Amy Clarkson. Four months of seeing him happy with someone else had toughened her, more than anything else in her life. She refused to feel anything; never wanting to be hurt that much ever again.

* * *

"It wasn't easy for me to move on, not even when I was with Amy." 

Elizabeth turned to face him, confusion and anger building up. "What is it you want me to say?"

"I just need you to know."

"Well now I do."

"Cut the crap Lizbeth! It's me you're talking to – so _talk_ to me."

"And say what? That when she told me of your engagement I was completely broken up inside, that everytime I saw you together it was like someone was stabbing my heart!"

"If that's how you felt!"

"How did you think I felt? Did you think I would just be able to move onto the next person who crossed my path like you? I fell in love with you John, that wasn't going to change in a short period of time!"

"I didn't stop loving you just because I had Amy. Even then we weren't over – not for me."

"That's not what it looked like," she glared at him, arms folded tightly.

"It was your choice Elizabeth – you ended us, you were the one who could bring us back together. If you're so unhappy about how it turned out, then I'd blame yourself."

She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face now. "You're right, I do. Every day when I wake up I regret that I'm not waking up next to you. Everytime I get a coffee I wish you were the one who brought it to me. If I ever watch the sun rise or set, I feel miserable because I'm not watching it with you. Whenever you return from a dangerous mission, I wish I was the one who got to embrace you, to be the one sitting by your side in the infirmary as you recover."

Before he could reply, she wiped away the streams running down her cheeks and said in an emotionless voice, "You better get back to your fiancée, she'll be missing you."

Elizabeth watched as he walked angrily to the door, turning to face her once more before he left. "Perhaps you were right - back before we even started a relationship – you said maybe love wasn't enough for us."

The door slid open and he stepped inside, leaving her alone once more. Lowering herself to the ground, she allowed the salty tears to flow freely down her face, finally breaking down, grieving for her lost love.

* * *

**AN: waaaa! ok so you can decide for yourself if happy things happen after this. let me know what you think? **


End file.
